and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize