'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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