Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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