final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She even gives head with a lisp.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
