How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize