At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
