I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
