please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
