There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
operation harelip BJ is a go
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
