I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
