I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
