Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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