dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
