Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
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Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
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Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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