Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
