You work out of a Hotel?
zippers are such a cool invention
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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