Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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