I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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