take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
