So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
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