hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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