Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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