Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
