I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I understand Curling. That high.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
