peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
