I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think I sprained my soul last night
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Randomize
