separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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