I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
it's like iHOP with fire
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
