I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
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She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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