I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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