Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
