he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
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I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
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Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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