his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
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I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
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You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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