Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
