I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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