It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
