HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
