At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
