look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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