he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
