Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
