Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
a search helicopter?!
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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