I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
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