She announced her abortion via fbk
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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