remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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