I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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