I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
