my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
