im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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