She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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