I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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