My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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