between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
