he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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