i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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