Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
