New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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