Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
