areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I think my fart just growled at me.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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