so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
